I am writing to understand and remember

Monday- black day.

AAAAaaarrrrgh! Today is not a good day. It started off fine, I prepared myself for the experiment tomorrow. I had hoped for 10 participants- and I got 3. I used Facebook to get participants, and I started sending private messages to people that has a “maybe” or  “awaiting” respond. Went for a walk with my boyfriend and discussed the situation at this point. I feel my energy level has fallen, and I do continue working, but not with the same joy and engagement. This is quite common for any project- everything goes up and down, but I find it harder now because I am quite alone in the project. Even though I have participants all around me, I have no one that works with me, equally involved in the project, and no one to share the burden, or help me push when everything feels slow and confusing and heavy. I am not surprised- I have worked alone in two months now- and it is hard to believe in a project over time- especially working alone. Today I’ve had the day of doubt. I feel confused- what am I really doing? What have I’ve been doing? And why? I’ve had answers for these questions earlier on- and I know I will get them back. But today I have a hard time answering anything. I went trough my schedule, realizing that in one month I am suppose to have 80% of my thesis written. That is depressing. In this moment I am (even though I am confused) starting to see some ways I can continue my work- but god damn it- I NEED TIME! I need to have time to experiment more- have more participants involved! So far this is what I have used most of my time on. I have hardly had time to read. I’ve been writing my blog, but nothing more. Right now I REALLY need to read, I REALLY need to start writing, and I REALLY need to continue my experiments! And I want to finish my thesis in time…And I want to have a design suggestion ready- a working, up-and-running project (which might continue develop after I deliver my master thesis), and I want to write a good rapport. I have no idea how I am going to manage this in time and that makes me more black than blue.

08.30 - 11.00: Sending messages, preperaing questions for tomorrow.

11.00 - 12.00: Walking and talking about the project.

13.00 - 16.00: Writing time schedule, looking at reality- becoming afraid and sad. preparing for meeting my supervisor tomorrow. Trying to make order in my confused mind. Looking at what I have done and how that have lead me step by step in the project.

17.00 - 19.30: Blog, finishing and printing questions for tomorrow.

In total: 10 hours